Week 2 of yoga teacher training is over and week 3 is here. It's crazy to see how quickly this is going by which makes me want to enjoy and be in the moment along the way. With a training like this, it is very easy to get excited or scared about the future. But both could easily be your ego speaking in an overly positve or negative manner. Basically, I'm working to not be too hard on myself while also reminding myself that it's not ok to be cocky. The latter hasn't been an emotion I've truly felt in this, but I'm a Leo and I know it has often been a fault of mine. Maybe my intention for the week will be to stay present: in my breath, mind and soul.
It was a whirlwind of a learning. We got deeper into the background of yoga and it's beliefs. I had an "aha" moment here. I grew up with a heavy religious presence in my life that I still hold close. Over time, I have grown away from attending mass in a physical sense because of some of the corrupt practices I have seen or heard. There was a point in my religious studies where I started to feel there was more hate than love in the practice. I still respect and look towards my religious base for guidance in how to be a better me. When we were talking about the beliefs in yoga with the yamas and the niyamas I felt like I'd found a home. I've heard many yogis say that yoga is much more than a practice, it's a way of thinking. You're urged to be a better person to yourself and others. They say that yoga teacher training will be an amazing journey for your practice and your soul and I saw, just a sliver, of this possibility this week. I also realized that I need to open up my heart a little to more to this experience. I feel I'm holding myself back. My childhood voice is whispering in my ear: "You're too sensitive. Don't be sensitive. Don't feel. Don't cry. You aren't good enough. Your warrior 2 sucks. You can't even hold crow pose for more than 1 second." Screw that voice. Screw the ego coming through and being a doubtful and negative presence in my mind. I'm working on my awareness of these thoughts and hateful feelings I am putting on myself.
I spoke to being afraid of the experience a number of times and I can tell that fear and anxiety is still resting in a deep dark place in my soul. I also know that the only way I can work it out is to get on my mat and face it head on. On Sunday, we all taught a section of a class to the other teachers in training. I froze. I kept trying to give myself a pep talk while standing in the back and I kept losing my words. But I've taken this class so many times. In class, I know what's coming next. it was stage fright, it was my ego telling me I wasn't learned enough to be teaching. It was a number of things that I let take over in the moment. And am still letting take over every night as I lay my head down to sleep. Hopefully, I will be reading this post next Sunday night with more confidence in myself. I've got this. I have the tools for success and with time, persistence and an open mind I will overcome this feeling of doubt. Until then, I've been practicing a few heart openers in my own times. I've been practicing the poses I'm most afraid of. Listening to my body in these poses and with crow, letting myself fall. Because falling is a journey in itself. When I was preparing for this post I took a few videos of myself attempting crow. I wanted to see my body in action. I was more impressed with what I saw than not. I noticed that my arms are at a better angle than I thought and my legs are getting higher than I thought. The only thing holding myself back is me. And maybe a little bit of my inability to lock my core in the crow. I can't change how I got into the pose before but I can continue to work on this pose and let myself fall. I'm a clutz - who wears heels - I have fallen much longer distances in my life.
I have a few intentions in mind as I go into this next week: letting go of fear, staying present and forgiving myself and channeling my inner confidence. Reflecting on this past week is taking me on an emotional roller coaster right now. Here's to opening myself up and trusting in time.