Week 3 of yoga teacher training is in the books. I'm so overwhelmed with positive vibes in the best possible way. I've spoken a little bit about how I've been afraid during this process. I dare you to stare at your soul, mind and body and not be afraid of everything going on there. Our minds are crazy things and the connection to the body is something I'm trying desperately to understand. Cara McDonald wrote a little bit about this connection the other day and I may or may not have started to cry at my desk. It was just a tear but cried I did. And I have no idea why I truly cried but I think she hit the nail on the head with her post saying: "yoga isn't easy (especially off the mat)".
I took a class the other day with the intention of "this is what I need". Bad moments suck, change can be terrifying, great moments can make you feel like the luckiest human alive. All of these moments, when they happen, are exactly what I need. This truly makes sense when you think about the bad or negative moments that have happened in your life. In these moments, I've often wanted to curl up into a ball and cry in my bed for a week straight. You know the kind of moments I'm talking about. The ones that have you questioning how life can move on after. Time does move on and you keep going through life and one day you wake up and you don't feel like that anymore. You learn how to navigate through life after everything has been flipped upside down. And when you finally reflect on what life has thrown you, you realize you are who you are because of each and every moment in your life. You say for better or for worse when you chose to marry someone but we rarely make this same vow to ourselves. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, you are who you are, on the path you are on and screw the voice in your head telling you that you've messed up and that life can't go on because this is what you need. You are where you are supposed to be.
I've talked about my fears and how I sometimes don't feel that I'm good enough. I talked about my inability to get into crow pose. I looked that fear of falling straight in the eye and I feel and I got up and I tried again. And last night I stayed in crow for what I'm pretty sure is the longest couple of seconds I have ever been able to hold that pose. I've worked on strengthing my core in this last week, gazing a little farther forward and letting myself fly. It feels good. Progress feels good. And maybe I won't be able to reach the full crow tomorrow and that's ok. It's all about the journey.
Maybe it's the spring air, or the flowers blooming that have my mind focused on change. But I have noticed changes in myself over the past 3 weeks and I shared a little bit about this in an Instagram post with this photo. "My favorite tree at my parents has bloomed! 🌸 Spring is one of my favorite seasons. Everything, including humans, spring back to life. I find it interesting that we praise and love to see the flowers and trees around us bloom to life again, but we don't respect this process in our own lives. We see our time of shedding our leaves and our blossoms as a negative and often hide this change and growth from those around us. I'm so guilty of this. I'm ashamed of the process of change but the outcome is always a beautiful site. Cheers to the change and growth we are all making every day 🌻"
I've faced a lot of physical change in the past two years. Moving and accepting a new job... and then another new job. But these changes don't truly compare to the internal changes I feel I have been due for and am working through right now. I feel more alive and happier than ever and I hope to keep up this momentum. This is what I need.
And sometimes your cat plays with you while you try and work on crow pose. And oddly enough that's the best crow you've done all week so you post the blurry photo anyway. This is what I need. I've also been feeling myself start to cry more. Growing up I was always overly sensitive and often made fun of for this. So I worked, for years, on training myself not to cry. I've been embracing this trait a little more. This is what I need.